


The Best Mr. Grinch

by elvirakitties



Series: Christmas 2020 [7]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, F/M, M/M, Mentor Minerva McGonagall, Minerva McGonagall Raises Harry Potter, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:16:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28238328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elvirakitties/pseuds/elvirakitties
Summary: It's that time of the year and the top honor of who is the Grinch is up for grabs.
Relationships: Bellatrix Black Lestrange/Rodolphus Lestrange, Harry Potter/Severus Snape/Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Black Malfoy
Series: Christmas 2020 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2034808
Comments: 16
Kudos: 237





	The Best Mr. Grinch

"I earned the title of Mr. Grinch this year as I have done so for the past decade." Severus was standing in front of the Death Eaters. It was his yearly speech for obtaining the title. "There isn't a single student who has ever liked me." 

"Not true," Harry muttered to Draco.

"Very." 

"I have assigned more detentions than any of the professors and even gave one for sneezing this year." Severus was proud of that and looked at the offender in the middle row next to Draco. "You can ask him, yourself."

"He did as well as having my trainers untied, my robe misbuttoned even though I was wearing an open robe." Harry smiled at Severus. He ignored the sour look from Voldemort sitting next to the standing Severus. 

"Don't forget the one for wet hair." Draco helpfully added. 

"I did forget about that one." Severus thought it was creative.

"He nicked me for two nights with wet hair."

"What else have you done besides pick on Harry?" Lucius was the monitor for the event. 

"Crafted some very special potions for Dumbledore. He has been in the infirmary for the school year which has enabled us to control Hogwarts." 

"True." Minerva sighed deeply. "He is back in there again with some unexplained ailment." She looked at the Weasley twins. "I know you had a hand in this trip he had to the infirmary. Poppy is still trying to figure out how you turn his skin neon orange and how you got him to smell like a pile of compost." 

"Who us?" The twins laughed. "Fine, it was those lemon drops." 

"Moving forward. Any other list of achievements you wish to alert us to?" Lucius saw his wife was passing out the voting forms. She was a bit delayed as Bellatrix had been attempting to get on the stage and Lucius and Narcissa had to lock the looney toon in a room. 

"I did assist in handling the Dursleys." 

"Assist is that what they are calling it now?" Voldemort arched a brow at Severus. "All of us can claim a bit of credit on that situation." 

"True." Severus conceded the point. All of the Death Eaters as well as several former Order members had been involved in handling the Dursleys. They weren't required but everyone wanted a piece of the Dursleys. "However, I was the one who made their suffering permanent." 

"True." Voldemort conceded that point. "I do not believe anyone would ever have thought of turning them into human house-elves."

"Thank you, Marvolo. I was also the one who got Pettigrew eaten by Nagini. I also canceled Christmas at Hogwarts and installed Yule. I do believe that confirms I earned the title Mr. Grinch." 

The room clapped at that aspect. They had a pool going on who and how Pettigrew was going to die and Severus won it. "My lord, your turn." 

Voldemort stood up as Severus sat down. "I canceled the merciful beheadings." 

"Because there weren't any," Harry muttered to Draco. 

"I canceled the scraps for orphans." 

"Tom Marvolo Riddle, you know you are using the script from Robin Hood." Minerva glared at her best friend. 

"Fine, fine. I took over the Ministry and Wizenagamot, I got... I -" Voldemort looked at Severus and Harry. "-I didn't hurt a single person this year." Voldemort seemed a bit freaked out by that aspect. "I didn't even get to curse the Dursleys." 

"Yes, you did. Remember you cursed Vernon Dursley." Severus reassured Voldemort as he looked at Harry. He wasn't sure what to do. "You sent the Dementors after the Pink Toad."

"Yes, yes, I did do that as well as having her spend a week writing with a Black Quill." Voldemort was back to being happy. "I also cursed Dumbledore's wardrobe so that all his clothes are Slytherin Green."

"Anything else besides the regular deeds as our Lord?" 

"No, no, I believe people can vote now." Voldemort felt much better after rethinking about what deeds he had done over the last year. He had the title in the bag.

Voldemort and Severus sat down as people voted and Narcissa collected the votes. Lucius set pieces of parchment on the table. "I will read each vote. There are 53 of us, so the first person to get 27 wins the title." Lucius picked up the first piece and open it. "Harry Potter." 

"What?" Severus and Voldemort exchanged a look. "It's only one." They reminded each other, sadly 27 votes later the winner was Harry Potter. 

"How?" Voldemort looked at Harry who stood up and bowed. "He wasn't even running, was he?" 

"No, but he did do a great campaign promise." Minerva grinned as her adopted son took the award Lucius was holding.

"What campaign promise?" Severus wondered how they got out Slytherined by Harry again. He had done it when he decided to pursue the pair of them, he had done it when they agreed they would become exclusive. Now, he wondered what Harry was planning. His eyes went wide and he elbowed Voldemort. "He has a plan-"

"Yes, I just realized it too." Voldemort was grinning at Severus. "Want to beat him to the punch?" 

"Yes, I do." Severus and Voldemort rose as one. "We just want to congratulate you." Severus held out his hand and when Harry went to take it, they dropped to their knees. Severus wondered why Harry's hand was closed. "So, Brat, want to marry us?" 

Harry opened his hand holding out three rings. Voldemort and Severus thought they had beat him to the asking but Harry was ahead of them again in regards to their relationship. "Yes, and my promise to the Death Eaters and our friends was a fortnight away from here for our honeymoon. I can't believe that no one let it slip I was going to ask you." 

"Everyone knew?" Voldemort glanced at his Death Eaters who were grinning and nodding their heads. "You are Mr. Ginch this year since I know you had to threaten them with something." 

"I believe something about Nagini, feeding, Pettigrew, and perhaps how unhappy I would be if anyone alerted the two of you what I was planning." 

While everyone could agree that Severus and Voldemort were dark and would kill you, everyone was more afraid of getting Harry irate at you. Harry wouldn't kill you but you would wish he had, case in point, that Dursleys who were now serving tea to the Death Eaters.

**Author's Note:**

> You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch  
> You really are a heel  
> You're as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel, Mr. Grinch  
> You're a bad banana with a greasy black peel!
> 
> You're a monster, Mr. Grinch  
> Your heart's an empty hole  
> Your brain is full of spiders, you've got garlic in your soul, Mr. Grinch  
> I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!
> 
> You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch  
> You have termites in your smile  
> You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile, Mr. Grinch  
> Given a choice between the two of you I'd take the seasick crocodile!
> 
> You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch  
> You're a nasty-wasty skunk  
> Your heart is full of unwashed socks, your soul is full of gunk, Mr. Grinch  
> The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote  
> "Stink, stank, stunk!"
> 
> You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch  
> You're the king of sinful sots  
> Your heart's a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots, Mr. Grinch  
> Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful  
> Assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable, mangled up in tangled up knots!
> 
> You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch  
> With a nauseous super "naus"!  
> You're a crooked dirty jockey and you drive a crooked hoss, Mr. Grinch  
> You're a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!


End file.
